A common phrase we use in therapy is ‘no two children have the same parent’ and that phrase kept popping in my head during this novel. This usually occurs because of different circumstances into which each sibling is born. Parents can: be more anxious with a first child, than with younger siblings; or react to a practical change such as a child being ill; or experience post-natal depression; might be going back to work with one child, then stay home with another; be responding to a life event such as a death in the wider family; have different financial circumstances with each child. All of these can change the amount of time, patience, ability to bond that the parent has and affect the relationship between parent and child, as well as the child’s personality going forward.
In this novel we follow dual timelines as Judith Barrow lets the story of a mother/daughter relationship slowly play out and uncover a singular moment in time that shapes the whole family, especially daughter Irene. We begin in the early 2000s when Irene is caring for her mother who is dying. She is going through all those emotions familiar to the caring role; she’s exhausted and veers between feeling it’s the right thing to do and a deep resentment that we sense has a root way back in the past. Irene is experiencing a feeling she’s had before, a feeling that her mother has possibly experienced too. The contradictory feeling of hating someone, whilst also loving them fiercely. We go back to 1963 and the birth of Irene’s baby sister Rose. Rose had Down’s Syndrome, and her birth signalled massive changes to Irene’s life, not just in 1963 but for many years to come. As her parent’s fragile marriage truly begins to fall apart, Irene has to turn to her grandmother for support in coping with the dysfunction at home. She feels compelled to protect her little sister from the worst of it and feels an intense love for Rose. Yet, she’s also missing out. Her home life and responsibilities aren’t like other girls of her age and age becomes isolated but for Sam, her friend who eventually becomes her husband. When her father leaves, she is effectively separate from him and despite his weakness, she loves him very much. Her mother is eaten up by resentment and the cares of bringing up two children alone. Then, just as Irene could be making choices about what to do with her life and preparing for her future, her beloved grandmother becomes ill. So, everything that Irene could have dreamed for her life is sacrificed for the care of her family, This made me so angry and I felt deeply for Irene who never gets to fulfil her dreams or shape her own future. Essentially, her own life is sacrificed for the needs of her family.

When our two timelines meet we can see a full picture of what impact Rose’s life and death has had on this family, and particularly her older sister. Rose, Irene and their mother are trapped in a constant whirl of love, care and resentment. Still in the childhood home she can’t leave because of her sister’s memory. At the centre of her feelings is a memory, but one she doesn’t fully understand because she was a child. The only thing she can do is stay close to the memory of her little sister. She’s haunted, but only because she can’t let Rose go. As our narrator, Irene is beautifully constructed - from the sparse and minimal understanding she has of the adult world at eight years old, all the way to a grown woman who doesn’t know who she is without someone to care for. Anyone who has cared for someone long term knows how much it takes from you physically, but also emotionally. You are stripped of your identity until your only reason for being alive is to keep someone else alive. Then, what comes after? How does the carer get themselves back?

It’s not that Irene is without love. No, there has been a lot of love in her life from the love between her and her husband Sam. Her love for her grandmother. Her fiercely protective love for Rose. Will she finally be able to navigate this difficult path and unearth that memory she’s never fully understood? Then, if she does find the truth, will she able to live with its consequences?

I thought that this was a masterpiece in terms of the understanding of how personality forms and how challenges can overwhelm a family, even when they want to meet them. I loved the portrayal of her mother in the current timeline and how her dementia developed was so true to life and beautifully realised. The difficulty of looking after someone who has been cold and austere towards you is almost impossible to deal with. It complicates the caring process and makes the carer resentful and less effective. It would have been interesting to see how Irene’s manner was from her mother’s perspective, because sometimes people mirror the attitude they were subject to. Sam was a lovely character, being loving and supportive to someone consumed with the past is painful, but I also understand why Irene was so affected by what happened. Finally, the backdrop of 1960s Northern England was well established and very bleak and gritty. This was such a well-written study of a family’s dynamics and its effect on one woman’s psyche.

The Memory, though fiction, reads like a memoir, chronicling the love-hate relationship between a daughter and mother. The story is told from the point of view of Irene, tracking her life from 1963 to 2002. Irene’s young sister, Rose, has Down’s Syndrome and dies at the age of eight. Irene is devastated. She knows what she saw. The secret of her sister’s death is never once discussed between Irene and her mother, though the rift it creates is ten miles wide.

Though the focus of the book is the arc of Irene’s life, each chapter starts with a glimpse into two days in 2002 when she is caring for her mother who suffers from dementia. Lily is an extremely difficult patient. These glimpses are frequently just a paragraph long, minutes apart, and they clearly convey Irene’s exhaustion. They serve as a backdrop for the longer story that leads up to those final days and moments.

Thank you to Netgalley, Honno Press and Judith Barrow for the opportunity to read this e-copy in return for my honest review, Raw, heart-breaking and emotional, this book is filled with love and loss. A beautiful and tender story.

An really enjoyable read, exploring dark family secrets and the resulting distorted, disfunctional relationships. Loved the "stacatto", dual timeline, which added real depth to the emotional turmoil that is so central to the storyline. Will certainly be looking out for this author's next book

Although much of the story being told over my lifetime so it was familiar but with much of the content very much of the time it is set in i.e. the seventies and eighties, in some respects it could be considered historical fiction. Those details aside this is a novel firmly set around family and those that live within and without them.

Irene is eight years old when her younger sister Rose is born. Rose has Down Syndrome and was born after the time when these 'special' children were put out of sight, but that doesn't mean that the families don't need to come to terms with having a child whose life won't be as that they'd imagined. Rose's mother struggled but Irene adored her younger sister.

The story of Rose's life is interspersed with the current day story set in 2002 of Irene's mother's struggle with dementia and the realities are so well recorded that it feels as if the author has first hand experience.

This is a story that tugged at my heart-strings although I wanted to shake Irene for her inability to see the bigger picture but just as in real life, you can't agree with everyone's choices.

I have a feeling that this is a book that will linger....