I read a physical copy of this from the publisher, but was curious what the narrator sounded like. I think the narrator was a great fit for the story! It makes this book even more emotional. There might be some connections that get missed in the audio, as I know I flipped back and forth a few times while reading.

You know the book you’ve just finished was amazing when you keep thinking about it long after it’s over. Clare is one of the most well-written characters I’ve read in a long time, and I can’t stop thinking about her! She is brave, strong, and determined to protect her chosen family. She also is heartbreakingly innocent, in a way that you have to read the book to understand.

I love how Chad depicts the struggle of living with an undiagnosed disability. The plot was interesting, and I was eager to find out what had happened to Esther’s mother.

It was heartbreaking how Clare spoke about her parents’ abuse as if it was totally normal. We can all pick out things from my childhood that I thought were normal until I grew up more, but usually it’s not this dark! I loved the author’s method of show-not-tell writing, and the way he portrayed Clare’s innocence. I would read a line and think, “wait, did I read that right?” and as the book progressed I realized my assumptions were correct. Clare described the noise of a zipper as “the sound of papa” which really gave me chills.

I appreciated the representation in this book. This was my second novel in a row with a neurodiverse MC, which I love to see. Esther is queer, and Clare is questioning. Not My Ruckus takes place in the religious south in the 80s, and important themes of homophobia are discussed.

I also have to mention this cover–so pretty! I should have bought a hyacinth to take this picture with.

Hats off to Chad Musick for an absolutely chilling, beautifully written debut. I’m already looking forward to his next book. Not My Ruckus will be available this week on February 16th. Many thanks to Chad for a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

Clare is a 14-year-old girl living in Texas during the 1980s. She is considered a tomboy and she is struggling with her sexuality and undiagnosed disability. The story follows this resilient young girl and her complicated relationship with her family and Esther (her friend/neighbour/love interest).

This novel is quite dark and it touches many difficult topics, which could be triggering to some people (some TWs: abuse, rape, homophobia, molestation, ableism, pedophilia, domestic violence, etc.) One aspect of this book that I really liked is the fact that the main character - although not explicitly mentioned in the text - lives with a disability. The truth is that unfortunately I have not yet read much literature with representation of disabled people, so I am happy to have read this.

When I saw in the synopsis that the story was narrated by a 14-year-old, I wasn't expecting it to be so tragic, disturbing and full of misfortunes. This in part also made the novel more interesting, as the story becomes more mysterious, being told by someone who does not understand exactly what is happening. It's a small detail that I think adds value to the narrative and made me more invested.

'Not My Ruckus' is very fast-paced and it was really entertaining to listen and I would recommend it, but it is definitely not for everyone. I also really liked the narrator, who had a lovely accent and I feel like she did a great job with the storytelling and portraying the emotions of the characters.

((One thing I'm still not sure how I feel about is the fact that a man wrote this. And with that, I don't mean to say that men can't write about women issues (or the other way around), but in this particular case I must say that at times it felt awkward to read.))

Trigger Warnings: ableism, abuse - physical and sexual, child neglect, incest, molestation, rape, religious trauma, food deprivation, domestic violence, murder, homophobia, miscarriage, suicidal ideation, suicide attempt, pedophilia, arson, attempted murder, gun violence, mutilation

Not My Ruckus by Chad Musick is set in Texas in the 1980s. It tells the story of 14-year old Clare as she struggles with an undiagnosed disability and abuse, while exploring her sexuality and living in an extremely religious household. A first kiss and a murder. Secrets unravel and the problems in Clare's life grow as her relationship with Esther becomes more complicated. As the story continues, we learn just how connected Clare is to Esther.

Clare is probably one of my favorite protagonists. She's kind, loyal to a fault, protective and hilarious. Her thought process can be chaotic at times, and she doesn't pick up on most social cues. She's often dismissed because no one wants to take the time to explain what they mean. And she doesn't always think things through, but she means well. Her relationship with Esther was interesting to say the least, and at times it felt like Esther was taking advantage of Clare.

I think if I'd read this book, it would be a lot easier to follow along. Seeing as I was listening to a narrator, it did get confusing at times trying to understand where the story was going. It's fast-paced and filled with action with a continued element of horror.

It's listed as a coming of age story, but I would not recommend this to any one under 18. It was hard for me to get through it, and I'm well over 18. The story is dark and covers very heavy topics, and a few of the scenes are quite jarring. Even though some of the topics aren't explicitly described, it was still pretty raw and haunting. I can't say that I enjoyed or didn't enjoy the book because it just wasn't at all what I was expecting. It's definitely well-written, so if you enjoy dark stories, I'd recommend this one. It covers the horrors of societies that are often overlooked and shows that even the people we believe we know can have a dark nature.

Final Rating: 4 stars

Wow, this is an amazing audiobook. It is not for the faint hearted, as it's main themes are about child abuse, and had I have known that I probably wouldn't have listened to it, but I am really glad that I did.

The story is from a child's point of view, and shows how clever child abusers can be, from their grooming, to their ability to instill a different normality into a child perception, so they don't think that what is happening is bad or wrong.

The characterisation in this book is so incredibly strong, that I realy felt for the children involved, and as this story shows, in this sort of tale, there can never be a happy ending, but in this case, at least a chance to heal.

It is such a powerful peice of litereature, and in many ways reminded me of "To kill a mockingbird" in the way it handled it's theme's.

If I had one little niggle , I found the deep southern accent a little difficult at time, so my english ear, but hat is a very small point. The story is told with love an compassion, and it one of the best novels I have ever listened to.

I started listening to this story, not having read other reviews of it first, so based on the fact that the main character was a 14 year old I thought it would be a light listen, more of a YA story, but it is not.

I would not want my 14 year old listening to this. It is simply too depressing.
Claire doesn't have it easy. She's 14, has a best friend named Esther that she seems to have feelings for perhaps and a overly religious mother, not in a good way and a father... well hard to know where to start with him.

There is so much drama in this story, both physical abuse and mental/psychological that it is just a really tragic story and hard to believe that one child must live through all that, but it is told in such a way that you just have to keep reading/listening to find out how it all ends.

I would like to thank the author, the publisher and NetGalley for the chance to listen to this audiobook in exchange for an honest review.

I just finished listening to the audio book of Not My Ruckus by Chad Musick. This book felt deeply personal to me due to my upbringing so I’m going to try to due it justice in 60 seconds. Clare’s father works at the bank and holds everyone’s secrets. Clare is hyperaware of her surroundings - always trying to keep safe but then her new friend Esther kisses her and nothing seems the same anymore. While they are kissing, Esther’s mom is dying from a bullet wound. The death of Esther’s mom brings up a lot from illness, queerness, secret identities, death and abuse. Clare is a fascinating character who reacts to the things happening around and to her in such a real way. It’s clear that the author wrote all his characters thoughtfully including the depiction of disability and the trauma. For this reason I gave Not My Ruckus 5/5 stars.

More detail not able to include on tiktok review: I really enjoyed the pacing of the audio book, the narrator really seemed to capture the voices of Esther and Lilac. Chad Musick was clearly very aware of the psychological response to trauma in children and I really appreciated that.

It takes two to keep a secret. But the secret is safe only if one of them is dead or is pushed to the edge of their sanity. But what happens when there is an entire neighbourhood that’s involved in keeping secrets – each for their own benefit? Who do you trust? A storm can however, bring up a lot of things that were buried and bury things that everyone knew about. So when such a storm hits them, it’s time for unravelling.
 
Lilac is an autistic and epileptic child. Suffering from seizures every now and then, she is made to believe that she is wicked and the devil takes possession of her when she commits a sin. Growing up in a family held by terrible secrets, she is the child of abuse. Living across the street from her, Esther is the child of murder. Held together by an unknown past, they navigate through the present along with each other. A kiss, an accident, a murder – all it takes is a day for their lives to finally shed its illusory skin of protection.
 
The book was difficult at places to read for the sheer amount of raw truth portrayed in it. But it’s been worth it. A coming-of-age fiction about two girls, it is so much more than just their growth through adolescence. It tackles issues of autism, epilepsy, paedophilia, non-heteronormative sexuality, the insecurities that’re so much a part of humans with an honesty that wrecks the reader. What happens when your very identity is a sham? Whom to approach when the ones supposed to protect you are the ones with your blood in their hands? Where lies the line between bravery and cowardice? How far can you go for the people you love?
 
What I loved the most about this book is that even though it deals with characters with non-heteronormative sexuality, it’s never exaggerated to bring focus on it. It’s as natural a part of their lives as anything else. The writing is absolutely beautiful. This is more than a book about young adults. It is a book about life and families beyond the one you’re born into. It is the broken voice, singing love. Listen close! You will be able to hear the world singing back.

Thanks to Netgalley for the opportunity to listen to this audiobook. It was an accompaniment to the print book. I love the chance to read and listen to a story.

This book is quite tragic. I chose to read it because it is in the LGBTQ category. However, this story is very complicated, disturbing, violent, and again, tragic.

I didn't really enjoy the audiobook, I think it made this complicated story even more confusing.

This book tells the tragic and tumultuous life of a teen girl named Claire, growing up in small town Texas in the early 80's. We follow her as she not only is discovering herself and her sexuality, but also some pretty shocking secrets about her family and their past, events of which begin to come to a violent climax as she enters into high school. This book can, at times, be difficult to read with triggers including physical and sexual abuse. However, it's also a touching and depressingly heartwarming story of friendship, love, and loyalty. A fantastic debut novel and I'm eager to see what else Musick has to offer in the future.

Trigger warning: domestic violence, gun violence, sexual assault, rape.

Oooff! This book had all the feels, however mostly the kind of feels that make you question humanity. It was a haunting and beautifully written story about a young girl, Clare, growing up in an abusive household and follows along as she explores her sexuality, fights for those she loves, and creates a life for herself away from those who have harmed her. Wow. It was a difficult book to read, but knowing it is based on the author’s life experiences gives me a whole new perspective and appreciation of the bravery it took to tell this story.

I should of DNF this one. I did the audio
So many connections between two families. It doesn’t come out right away but along the way and while the story is unfolding.

Two girls become friends. Their moms go shopping and while they are, one of the moms is shot. It gets more crazy and more unrealistic.

TW: rape, murder, dad raping daughter.

What a mind-blowing piece of writing this is! And yet, I openly say right at the start of this review, it’s not for everyone.

Fourteen year old Clare knows that she’s not “normal”. She’s a tomboy, she carries a gun and knows how to use it too, and she’s obsessively protective about her best friend-cum-neighbour Esther. The day Esther kisses Clare, the latter knows that Esther is the one for her. However, Esther soon begins a relationship with Clare’s brother Frank. Clare finds herself hurt but still decides that she has to protect Esther at any cost, especially as the problems in her life seem to increase steadily. Adding to the complications in this twist of relationships is Clare’s psychotic father (a banker on the face of things, but with deep sinister secrets), her zealotic mother (who uses her faith to ignore reality to the point of misunderstanding her own flesh and blood and giving them “Jesus love” when needed) and Esther’s uncouth father Gunner (a garage owner with secrets of his own.)

Not My Ruckus has a weird, darkly disturbing plot that keeps spiralling into deeper levels of angst and depravity with each subsequent chapter. As literary fiction, it does complete justice to the genre. Many reviews seem to have missed out on the genre of the book and hence rated the book down because of its writing style. Potential readers would do well to remember that the flow in literary fiction is different from general/contemporary fiction. There are so many lines that hit you hard with their depth that I wish I wasn’t hearing the audio version. Of course, it’s not an easy book to go through. Sensitive readers would do better to stay away as various kinds of abuse find their way into the plot. I can write a whole para of trigger warnings for this book. (Thankfully, no animal abuse; that’s my Achilles’ heel.)

The characters are memorable for very different reasons as against your typical fictional characters. Each character has such distinct darkness within their minds that you can’t help but wonder what drives or triggers them. They won’t leave your head even after you are done with the book. For a male author to write about female characters so remarkably is a huge deal.

If I liked it so much, why am I rating it lower? Two reasons.

One: I wasn’t happy with the ending. Not the plot itself but the way it was written. The shifts in the story were too abrupt in the last couple of chapters and took away from the rest of the book. 0.25 stars docked for this.

Two: the narrator. The fact that I have completed this book in spite of her monotonous drone in my ears speaks highly for the merit of the book. I wish I didn’t have to say this but at least 2-3 times, it sounded like she was yawning while continuing to read. A whole star docked because of this demerit in the audio version.

Thank you, NetGalley and Cinnabar Moth Publishing LLC, for the Advanced Audio Review Copy of the book in exchange for an honest review.

Not my Ruckus is a story about Clare. She is a tomboy and is different than other kids. She lives in a pretty strange family, where her mother uses prayer instead of facing family troubles. It is a story about numerous abuses within and outside the family.

I can't imagine how a guy could write a story about such feminine issues. But I must admit that I liked the story a lot. If you have trouble reading about abusive families, maybe you should skip this one. Otherwise, if your stomach is strong enough (nothing very graphic, though), give this one a try. It may surprise you as it surprised me.

At first, I had to get used to the narration. It felt so slow. But as the story progressed, I found that Ivy Tara Blair's narration is perfect for the character of Clare.

Thanks to the publisher for the opportunity to listen to this! All opinions are my own.

“Maybe you can be so broken that hope and defeat sound the same.”
TWs: lesbophobic slurs, homophobia, lesbophobia, internalized homophobia, violent homophobia, child abuse (violent), child neglect, emotional abuse, domestic abuse, parental death, religious trauma, car accident, child death, rape, rape from a family member, pedophilia, incest, ableist slurs, murder, child sexual assault, victim blaming, gun violence, depersonalization, forced abortion, body shaming, fatphobia, ableism, racism, age gap (14/15 year old and a 17/18 year old), underage drinking, implied miscarriage, suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation, nonconsensual drug use.

Review discusses some of the aforementioned trigger warnings.

I’m usually hesitant reading sapphic books written by men, but oh my gosh???? This was great. The story was very heavy (check trigger warnings, I probably missed some), but the resilience of the main character, was almost inspirational. The book follows a fourteen year old Clare through the events of a year as she unravels the secrets of her past and how her family connects with the girl across the street, Esther. Every time a new thing was uncovered was both mind boggling and horrifying. The one thing that you can count on is Clare’s love for her friend (or so she always says). She’s willing to do anything to protect her from the people who abuse her.

“When other people have hurt you, there’s nothing they can really do to help you heal. Healing is a matter of forgiving them and then seeking forgiveness for having been angry. Some people make that easier than others.”

Clare is autistic and epileptic (this is, I believe, the Own Voices part of the story). I will not speak to how either of these are represented because it is not my place, but how the other characters react saddens me. Clare’s mother, especially, is filled with so much bigotry and ignorance that all she tries to do about it is pray, instead of also getting medical help. (I’m not trying to say that religion is the problem here, rather that the way her mother hides behind her religion to treat her kids the way she does is despicable.) Being that it takes place in Texas in the early 1980s, there is a lot wrong with how different things are treated, though whether that is the fault of the author is not up for me to decide.

“In some ways, scared mama was worse than holy mama.”

Clare constantly had to balance how she knows she should feel (hurt, angry) with everything she learned from her religious mother (forgiveness, even when they don’t deserve it). In the end, I’m not entirely sure whether she succeeded or not, but Gd, I hope she’s well.

Clare is a character I don’t think I’ll be able to forget. She’s so persistent and good, even if she doesn’t think she is. She went through so much, and through all of it, she still stood by Esther, even if staying away might have been better for her.

“I wished I knew what to say to make him leave her alone. She was mine.”

Through it all, it truly is a story of pure love that two teenage girls have for each other. Don’t take this as it will be light and happy; because it’s not. It’s complicated and messy, just like the characters in it. All in all, I’m glad I read this book.

“The same hands that had broken me with anger, and now broke me with kindness. People are complicated.”

Unfortunately this book seemed to hold a lot of promise, but I didn't enjoy a single moment of it even as I plowed through. The premise promised a touching queer relationship despite hardships, but I found it completely lacking in meaning and purpose. The queer rep felt awkward and clunky and many of the plot points seemed to fall flat or have no reasoning in the greater scope of the book. And while I understand when a story needs to uphold stereotypes or slurs to hold true to what the world is like throughout history, I found these elements too repetitive without being addressed or shown to be harmful. This book was just not for me :(

This boice was very difficult to listen to, so I just gave up. Even listening it on 1.5 speed didn't work for me.

Not My Ruckus by Chad Musick is a coming o age story that explores queerness, family ties, abuse, and so much more. Clare, a young tomboy, knows she isn't normal. She runs too much, talks too little, and carries a gun too often. Clare thinks she has everything figured out, but when her neighbor Esther kisses her, she doesn't know what to think anymore.

Musick's sentences are beautiful and eye catching. Clare is a well-rounded character who I could see my younger self in time after time. This book had me on my toes and I never knew what was coming next. If you are looking for a disabled, gender nonconforming, ace lesbian, this is it.

While this was an entertaining story, I do think there were too many plot points going on. I was often confused and felt the story was a little too fast paced, specifically near the end. However, this is still a great story exploring queerness, abuse, and found family.

TW for several kinds of abuse, trauma, and violence.

Thank you to Net Galley and Cinnabar Moth Publishing for providing this e-arc in exchange for an honest review.

Not My Ruckus was not my favorite. I hate to leave bad feedback, but I've been stewing over all the things I could not stand since finishing the book, and the are a lot.

Musick tried to tell a hard story about even harder subject matter but, unfortunately, I don't feel like it was his story to tell.
I know a lot of male authors write about female experiences, both good and bad, but I found myself having a real problem with these particular female experiences being written by a man.
I didn't like how Clare is just ready to shoot people who've wronged her (she shoots a BB gun and then, all of a sudden she's a killer?!?). I COULD NOT STAND the mother. I know we're not meant to, but this was just too much! And Clare's relationship with her? The mother was just as psychotic as the father. I feel like, in reality, a 14/15 year old, strong willed, girl would've run away long before things got to this point. They're in a small town, and yet no one sees or cares about the VERY OBVIOUS abuse these two girls are being put through?
Esther being allowed to marry at 15! What is happening?!! This was supposed to be Texas in the 1980s, not Texas in the 1880s. In what world are 15 year olds being allowed to marry?
The "twist" about Clare in the beginning of the book never really felt like it was a central part of the story. There was just no point to it. There was no point to this story, at all. Nonetheless, thank you to #netgalley for the ARC

Not my usual read, so pleasantly surprised to read Chad Musick’s bold controlled burn as this novel goes to volatile extremes in a plausible manner

The reader is surprised several times a dark tale with elements of modern noir and gothic horror exposing a powerful man’s predatory behaviors, which impact this town,

This psychological drama and abuse. The withholding of most basic needs and freedoms disparaging healthy growth and development of teens. This story although difficult to read at times but rewarding as the friendship of the two teens is strong and binding.