Everyone should read this book.


Kathryn Mannyx uses her lived experience as a narrative, woven through her ability to teach at a deep level about the skills required to listen.


Kathryn creates a beautiful dance in her book Listen, teaching her reader dance steps to acquire the art of listening. The preparation, choreography, performance, appreciation, and satisfaction of the skills applied to listen well. At the end of the book, she provides a guide which is called Listening: A Style Guide.


Kathryn can only have been able to write such a powerful book because of being a reflective practitioner. Her writing shows an open and willing desire to improve her practice alongside her own transformation and holistic growth.


In the book her reader is advised to ‘learn to listen to enable others to narrate their stories, to find ways to incorporate difficult truths and unwelcome news, to support people to accept that what really matters, in the end, is peace of mind, understanding and being understood.’ For something to be told, it must begin with listening.


Listen includes real-life practical examples of listening in each chapter and advises us to start where the person is. There is an art to participate in conversations about matters that touch on strong emotions. There are skills we can use and habits we can develop to offer support without overwhelming the other person. These skills Kathryn assures her reader can become habits, but they need practice.


She promises in the book to provide:
* Simple principles of conversational style
* How to begin a tender conversation
* Skills to make sure we are listening well and really getting the other person’s perspective by paying attention,
checking our understanding, allowing time for reflection.
* Ways to reach a safe conclusion to an emotional or deep conversation.
* Consider when to call for help for the person or our own.


Kathryn Mannix is a magnificent teacher and inspires confidence in her way of explaining true deep listening. I found an unexpected awareness and practice of listening skills as I completed the book.


BonnieK


Breakaway Reviewers received a copy of the book to review.

As a nurse who has worked in many areas such as Accident and Emergency, Palliative Care and more recently, Intensive care, this book resonated so well with me. This book is so well written with a multitude of solid, practical advice backed up with many interesting anecdotes. I would urge anyone who find themselves in the role of listening to anyone who is struggling with any issue to read this book. Even if you already think you are a good listener I would encourage you to read this book.

This is a first for me by the author and one I enjoyed and would read more of their work. The book cover is eye-catching and appealing and would spark my interest if in a bookshop. Thank you very much to the author, publisher and Netgalley for this ARC.

Kathryn Mannix has written a beautiful moving guide to having conversations difficult conversations.As I read I took notes I took time to think about applying her advice to my own life.This is a book full of lessons I will be putting to use.# netgalley #4thestatebooks

'Listen' is a book that makes us better humans. This is a book that teaches us the listening skills we need, but don't always intuitively possess. One thing I really enjoyed about the book is the examples of scenarios to demonstrate - this books is a real pleasure to read - a book to be enjoyed as well as for us to learn from. This book helps us 'hold the space' and just listen.

My thanks to NetGalley, author and publisher for the opportunity to review this book in exchange for an advance copy.

This is a very informative book and will be of great use to many people. It is in-depth and has lots of case studies which really help with the message the author is sending. Well worth a read.

This book is so well written with a multitude of solid, practical advice backed up with many interesting anecdotes. I would urge anyone who find themselves in the role of listening to anyone who is struggling with any issue to read this book. Even if you already think you are a good listener I would encourage you to read this book.

The author, Dr Kathryn Mannix, started her career in cancer care and then moved into palliative care. She is honest and real in this book and give examples of how she got things wrong early in her career when talking to people in traumatic situations. She then explains how those conversations could have been so much better for all concerned.

I cannot recommend this book more highly and it is one I will read again as I try a lot harder to put into practice all that she writes about. I will inevitable realise that I could do better and expect to reread this book from time to time to refresh my memory until having better conversations and listening appropriately comes as second nature to me. There are points when she talks about a group of teenagers who are learning listening skills and how to communicate with others on difficult topics. The maturity of these teenagers to grasp the needs and how things should be ideally is impressive and an inspiration. It is also a reminder that this book should be read by so many people, including our young people who are striving to support those around them through challenging times.

Having been finished in summer 2021 the material is very up-do-date as Dr Mannix shares a little of how life in the UK was for medical professionals and volunteers from the start of the Covid 19 pandemic. the UK has already had three country wide lockdowns and months where patients in hospitals were allowed no visitors unless it was an end of life situation. And you cannot always predict an end-of-life situation. Some heart-breaking decisions have to be made but life would be a lot better if we all had Dr Kathryn Mannix and those who follow her advice beside us at such traumatic times.

With thanks to NetGalley and 4th Estate and William Collins for a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

I loved the author‘s other book, With the End in Mind so I was pleased to get this #netgalley #ARC.

For me, it‘s not quite as impactful, perhaps because of the slightly ‘easier‘ subject matter, but it is still a great read.

The author has a way of using real-life examples alongside the theory that makes even difficult subjects easy to understand. Her writing style helps you to really think about how you can implement her recommendations.

As the title suggests, this book is all about how to listen better, and usefully includes several conversations using the suggested techniques. I especially liked the concept of conversation being like a dance and the advice on asking questions. There was a little too much on palliative care for me and not enough on conflict resolution. However, the advice was very good and if everyone listened to it the world would be a much nicer and more compassionate place to be.

Listen , how to find the words for tender conversations, is a powerful book about life, death, relationships, mental heath and how to talk about what matters. It is an incredible guide towards connection. Kathryn Mannix masterfully captures of power of listening. When I am listened to, I experience being held with wisdom and kindness where deeply tender conversations are transformational and reflect my experience of setbacks, difficulties and unanticipated outcomes. Both the listener and listened are enriched by the experience as they build the jigsaw one piece at a time. Strong, connected and engaged teams create shared perspective and vision, allowing for inclusivity and diminishing reactivity. As a team member I am better able to separate myself from the person and the problem and not become part of it. I find myself saving energy and being impartial with increased wisdom to limp over the hot coals of my mistakes and acknowledge the anger of unmet expectations, recognising where I have made unwise choices. Tenderness shows up as a virtue that requires strength as I remain alongside others who are experiencing emotional storms. Listen offers the invitation of listening, of being open to changing my world, demonstrating conscious of how I show up in the world and masterfully communicating with myself and others.. Masterful communication is borne out of more intentional listening, helping others in their growth, broadening my capacity to learn, grow and to better communicate with an increased commitment to change. I find that I bring my attention to the present with helpful questions, tender listening and a gentle way to get alongside someone in distress. With curiosity I come not as a problem-solver but as a person prepared to share uncertainty and support others in distress. Superior listening enables me to make space for suffering, to walk alongside others to process their distress - an important component of support and care. Suffering is not judged, discouraged or minimised. - As an effective listener I understand the depth of their sorrow. In the listening spaces I may not be able to make it better, .but I can hold space for healing, comfort and repair. Reconciliation becomes the place of restored friendship in a relationship of love. Collectively we become a community where we are able to tell and hear each others stories and expanded hearing changes people, We consider when we should call for help either for the other person or for ourselves. Powerful stories offer a style guide; a set of skills to recognise in, or add to our repertoire Together we can rethink our roles is in the conversation. l tell myself I am truly here to listen, to understand, nothing more and I hold that sacred space with courage, braveness and care. Kathryn Mannix has written a wonderful master piece.

What an amazing book. A guide to help us all have those difficult conversations. Kathryn has a medical background and some of her stories made me weep. A very emotional read.

Kathryn Mannix is such a lovely, considerate writer. Her sentences are so carefully put together, and I find her style reminiscent of Ann Patchett. I've read a lot of books on listening and communication skills, but the way Kathryn Mannix uses the stories to demonstrate better ways of observing and entering a difficult conversation in a kind and considerate way really works. The analogy of comparing a conversation to a dance is very effective.
Excellent book.

Mannix is providing so many life lessons in this packed book, all focused on tender listening and putting others at the forefront. She freely shares her many years of experience from working in palliative care including the use of CBT techniques in tender conversations. The book also includes a bit of a plea to all of us to prepare for the time when we're approaching the end of this life, to ensure practicalities like power of attorney is in place.

During tender conversations, the task is not to solve, but to simply listen.

Mannix uses 'tender conversations' to describe sensitive and respectful conversations; yes there may be some pain involved, but the pain doesn't' need to be overcome, but rather acknowledge, by being fully present.

"It's stories, not rules, that change people"

By asking curious questions during tender conversations we can seek, explore and clarify information.

Even when we know what the matter is with someone (like e.g. an illness or recent loss), we need to pause and understand what matters to them. To enable tender conversations we need to listen, not to answer, but to understand. And to check to make sure that we do understand.

During tender conversations, the task is not to solve, but to simply listen.

"Helpful questions and tender listening; a gentle way to get alongside someone in distress."

In her natural way of story telling, Mannix describes sympathy as expressing concern through a doorway; empathy enters the place of suffering and offers companionship; whereas compassion is the solidarity that seeks the other person's good, for the other person's sake.

"Understanding the value of silence is key to tender conversations" and on that note. I'll finish this review.

PS. If you find Listen interesting, don't miss her other book With the End in Mind: Dying, Death and Wisdom in an Age of Denial

This was not an easy book to read, not because it is not well written, reseached or presented but because it makes us realise how far short we can fall in listening to others. What helps is the way Kathryn writes with humility and compassion both for those who need us to listen to them and those of us who are reading this book with the aim to become better listeners ourselves. Ideally we should all read this work and take note. Maybe then the world, starting with ourselves, would be a more compassionate and understanding place to live in.

Listen: How to Find the Words for Tender Conversations

By Kathryn Mannix

Published by William Collins 16th September 2021


Having re-read With the End in Mind several times, I was thrilled to learn of Dr Mannix's new book.

It does exactly what it says in the title and so very much more. Don't be misled by the word 'tender', this is not filled with feel-good buzzwords and anodyne sops. It is a loving, kind, gentle way of really, really listening to what someone is saying to you and how important it is to really think hard about what is NOT being said, just as much as what IS being said.

It can be incredibly difficult to initiate difficult, embarrassing or life-altering conversations whether with loved ones, friends or people you may not know particularly well, but these can be such important conversations to have. They may involve emotional, physical or mental health issues, issues about terminal illness or sexuality, careers or lifestyle choices as well as ethical issues.

How does one start such conversations or encourage/enable such conversations? There are no easy fixes but Dr Mannix gives remarkably detailed scenarios where situations are propelled almost inexorably down one avenue or another by the way someone reacts to a situation or conversation. Could it have been handled better? How?

I read it straight through in one sitting, simultaneously enthralled, gob-smacked and then horrified in equal measure. It is a wonderful book, full of the wit, compassion and wisdom so very obvious throughout her first book, so why was I so taken aback?

I can now see that there were so many occasions when as a parent I inadvertently de-railed sensitive and important conversations by being so 'helpful' and 'problem-solving' that I didn't actually stop to think that wasn't actually what was needed from me at that point. I was still kind, I was still compassionate, but I didn't see what was right in front of me and how I could have handled some conversations and situations quite, quite differently instead of trying to fix things.

I can't do much about the past, but I can certainly endeavour to do better in the future.

This is a truly superb book, highly recommended.

Many thanks to the publisher and Net Galley for allowing me access to a digital ARC.

As with her first book, Dr Mannix has written a compassionate, thoughtful, helpful guide, this time to conversations, especially the difficult ones. I found this book really thought-provoking and helpful. Should be standard issue to all who need to have those hard conversations.

I found Kathryn Mannix’s previous book ‘With the End in Mind” excellent, and very helpful to me personally, so I was very keen to read “Listen”. While her first book was about understanding and dealing with death, this book is about how to talk about all different kinds of traumatic and difficult subjects, areas requiring delicate approaches – what the author describes as ‘tender conversations’.
And ‘conversations’ is a very important word here. This is not about ‘telling’ someone something, imposing your views, solving a problem … This is about bilateral conversations, between consenting persons – a verbal dance.
“The style remains the same: we are working with, not doing to, the other person, acting as partners, working together to keep in step.”
This is a book about empathy, about supporting people – whether they are your family, friends, or patients.
“When we engage in a tender conversation with somebody, we create a safe place for them to suffer: we don’t cause their suffering, but we can accompany and support them in it”.
For me – well-known as a person of (inadvertently) little tact, but generally good intentions – it was extremely useful, and I hope I can put many of her suggestions into practice. In particular:
“The way we listen affects the speaker’s confidence. If we listen as ‘experts’, the speaker may fear exposing their uncertainty, or they may move from useful problem-solving to seeking our advice. If we listen as ‘critics’, to judge or point out errors, they may fear exposing their mistakes. If we listen with a vested interest, they may feel unable to explore negative emotions or hurts.”
and, advice I needed as a teacher:
“The question that checks understanding is not ‘Do you understand?’ but rather ‘What have you understood?’
Some other quotes that I especially liked:
“Our ability to remain alongside as they experience their emotional storm does not lessen their distress, but it prevents the additional pain of feeling abandoned in a place of suffering.”
regarding death:
“Because talking about death won’t make it happen. But not talking about it robs us of choices and moments that will not come again”
and grief:
“Grief is not an illness, it is a response to loss. The grief will last as long as the loss does, and after a death the loss will last for ever. The loss permeates a bereaved person’s present, their memories of the past and their expectations of their future. Although they will eventually find their pain is a smaller component of their everyday life, it is not going to leave them completely. … They will not ‘get over it’ despite encountering many people who tell them that they should. Grief is a process that will eventually enable them to live alongside the loss. It will take the time it takes.”
There is just so much good advice here, so well presented and explained, it would be of great value for anyone to read it – but especially for doctors, nurses, teachers, politicians and clergy. Highly recommended.

Listen is packed with the kinds of insights into communication skills (including listening skills) that could be a game changer for the way we conduct ourselves in close and other relationships. In parts it’s like a course in counselling skills, but presented in such a relatable way and it’s easy to read and hard to put down. There is so much in this book that resonated with me. It’s thought provoking and I’d recommend this book to everyone. It could make the world a better place.

I want everyone to purchase a copy of this book, and if you have any friends that work in health care buy them a copy too.
 
I originally came across Mannix when I purchased her book ‘With the End In Mind’, which reflected on her experiences working, for four decades in end of life care, and what she learnt from those experiences.  If I’m honest, I only managed to read the first two chapters as the stories of peoples last moments was too much for me to read.
 
So why would I want to request an eArc of her latest book?  Listen focusses on how to be there for others, that can be someone in their final moments of a terminal illness, or a teenager trying to come out to a parent or even as mundane as a difficult work conversation.  I have someone in my life, who has a parent with a terminal illness and I wanted to know how I could be there for them.  What to say, what not to say, it turns out that just listening and being present is enough but Mannix also provides you with lots of tips on how to handle these conversations, which she renames from ‘difficult’ to ‘tender conversations’. 

She provides real life and fictionalised scenarios to show how a conversation can be handled.  Some of these stories do focus on loss of a loved one, including miscarriage, a child, a parent, and those with terminal cancer, so this book may be a difficult one to read in places depending on your own life experiences. I certainly cried at one chapter. 
 
So why should you buy this book?  We are all going to have to deal with those in grief at some point or someone with a terminal illness, we could also all do better in our daily interpersonal skills.   This book gave me a bit more confidence to deal with those conversations, and it advocates the type of listening that is needed. 
 
Thanks to @4thestatebooks for gifting me access to an advanced ebook version

Totally different to the usual genre of psychological thrillers, this gentle book shows you how to approach and have important conversations. Well written and full of advice

As an NHS worker, this was compelling reading, especially in regard to palliative and end-of-life care. I found the section on breaking unwelcome news over video to be genuinely helpful, as well as moving. Will be recommending to my colleagues - every hospital library should have a copy of this!