"Not Yet Married, Not Settled, and Not Sorry"

This is not how I thought life in my mid-30s would look like. Society sets a solid standard for women—married with kids by this age—but Sarah Watters, a professor of behavioral science, challenges that expectation in her memoir. Brokenhearted and without a place to live, Sarah invites us into the reality of being a mid-30s woman who looks perfect on LinkedIn but feels vulnerable at heart. Mixing behavioral science with personal reflections, she shows us the messy truth behind the polished surface.

Chaotic and hilarious, the way Sarah pours out her feelings is both unique and entertaining. At times, though, it leans too heavily on inner monologue instead of reflection, making parts of the narrative feel unstructured and overthought. Still, her reflections resonate deeply with single women in their 30s—especially those caught in the turmoil of balancing career and love life. Reading this feels like talking with a best friend who truly understands the weight of being “not yet married” and “not yet settled.”

What makes the book more compelling is how Sarah weaves behavioral science into her storytelling, offering insights that make readers stop and think about how these patterns play out in our own lives, often unconsciously.

Overall, This Is Not How I Thought It Would Be is a messy yet relatable read, with humor, honesty, and heart. If you’re looking for a book that blends science with raw, unfiltered reflections, this one might be your perfect next pick.

Thank you NetGalley, Sarah Watters, and Life to Paper Publishing for the e-ARC in exchange of honest review

It wasn’t for me but I’m sure there’s millennials who will enjoy it. I honestly was taken out of it by the modern meta references which I understand are part of life, but do we need to say “as Taylor swift says”?

This book is excellent for people who feel stuck; it makes you feel less alone and shows there is a way through. On top of that, excellent writing 4.5 stars!

This book reads like an intimate, late-night conversation with a trusted friend - (maybe too) honest, reflective, and unexpectedly comforting. As a woman in her early thirties, I found much of it deeply relatable, especially the sense of uncertainty around where one “should” be in life, and the confusion that comes with not even knowing where that is.

I appreciated the thoughtful structure, with each chapter exploring a different facet of modern adulthood - dating, friendships, career, family, and more.

What really stood out to me was the author’s conversational, engaging tone. It struck a balance somewhere between Bridget Jones and Carrie Fisher - witty, vulnerable, and unfiltered in the best way. The writing left me feeling introspective, hopeful, and most importantly, understood.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone navigating the murky waters of adulthood - especially those feeling a little lost, behind, or a little out of sync. It’s a reassuring reminder that you’re not alone - and even if you are, it’s probably not the end of the world.

The title of this book seemed to set the tone for an interesting and introspective read.

In most memoirs, in order to grip your audience, you either need to be famous or hook us with a good story. This promises the latter, but after a bit, it did feel a bit aimless and self-focused. Yes, EVERYONE’S story looks different despite what they may have expected. The writing was good, although I did get a bit weary of the internet speak and the crossed out lines. Overall, not for me.

Thank you to Life to Paper Publishing and NetGalley for this ARC for review; all opinions are my own.

I'm going to preface this by saying I love the cover of this book, and the description did a great jobs of making me want to pick it up to read. I did, however, struggle a fair bit with this one.

My biggest issue with this book was the way it was written, and at some points I found myself wondering if I was going to see it through. The author's written voice is very 'colloquial millennial', which is not necessarily a problem in itself (as a '91 baby, I speak the language). However, I felt there was an excessive use of acronyms, cultural references and asides, often multiple times in quick succession to add little of substance - some of the more egregious examples include "(LOL)" and "(IKR)". I'd probably be fine with it if I was skim-reading someone's Wordpress blog, but I thought it detracted from the work presented as a memoir in book form. This may not be an issue for some, but I found it to be too frequent in a way that was distracting and made reading the book feel a touch tedious at times. I felt that when I came across portions of the book where this was less prevalent, it was a much smoother and more pleasant reading experience.

Voice aside, I think Watters discussed some interesting points that could be relatable and/or interesting. The concept of our lives being stories we tell about ourselves (and that we can change those stories) is one that I've liked since I heard Derren Brown mention it in a show some years ago. Some of the author's takes were a little frustrating, but at the end of the day, it's a memoir - nobody's got perfect takes all the time. It was at least interesting to engage with from the perspective of comparing my position with that of the author.

As a late-diagnosed AuDHD-er, there were quite a few things that I related to going through and feeling as negatively about as the author seemed to - a feeling of frustration at seemingly being unable to have your life together like people you see around you, across various spheres of life. This is a common feeling among neurodivergent folk living in a neurotypical world, which is largely why the description appealed to me - it felt similar to my experiences before my self-discovery and diagnosis. It's because of this that I feel it worth noting that there is no mention of or allusion to neurodiversity at all in this book. If you're neurodivergent and looking for a relatable work from that perspective, but one that also offers thoughts on potential mental tools and accommodations you can use to help yourself through these feelings, this is probably not the book you're looking for.

The book presents itself as a memoir that blends personal anecdotes with insights, reminiscences, and elements of behavioural science, but it does so in a chaotic manner. It reads as an overly indulgent and slightly cringey self-absorbed tale. The writing style struck me as awful; it seems to mimic the millennial short-form style but instead resembles lengthy WhatsApp messages. I neither understood nor enjoyed the story, and I struggled to identify any meaningful lesson, aside from the notion that life doesn't always unfold as we expect.

This Is Not How I Thought It Would Be by Sarah Watters is an insightful memoir that will be enjoyed by readers who appreciate the self-help genre.

“Like a true millennial, I had found a way to win while also losing so very hard.”

This novel was part comedic memoir of the author's life and then part self-help book for those who could relate to her journey. The author discusses her journey from her 20s to her 30s, along with how she feels closing in on her 40s; she’s differed from the typical life journey of professional life, writing, friendships, relationships, marriage, motherhood, aging, etc., due to her circumstances and the “stories” she’s developed in her life that have helped or hindered her. This novel was written with standard millennial humor in mind and is thoroughly interwoven throughout. A type of “I’m just kidding and I am also serious,” type of satirical humor where she is revealing her vulnerability yet trying to deflect it at the same time. I found it enjoyable and, at times, a little tedious when it became hard to understand what the author was trying to convey. At times, the author was hiding behind humor too much, or it was hard to understand her.

Once I focused and dove in deeper, I found it quite beautiful, surprising, introspective, and had several parts I could relate to. The author made herself vulnerable and was brave enough to make the choice to share with the world. There’s something profound about this novel that I can’t explain in the words I have in my limited (but expanding) vocabulary. I couldn’t help but follow along to learn, to empathize, to enjoy, and to even feel vulnerable myself. This novel is also about growth to me. The author, the readers, and the world at large are constantly shifting, changing, expanding, and I feel like the author captured that really well. Because change is a constant whether we want it or not.

I truly enjoyed this book. 5/5 stars!

Quotes I loved:

“How is it that our stories don’t play out like we thought they would? That way, we could avoid all the self-criticism and disappointment we rudely treat ourselves to when our stories don’t go as expected. That way, we could see what our lives could legit be like beyond the quickly vacated cul-de-sac of good intentions.”

“Megan Abbott sums it up: ‘Hide your work and never stop working. Be effortlessly brilliant, beautiful, and radiant. Never, ever forget the radiance.’”

“You are under no obligation to remain the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. You are here to create yourself, continuously.”

This book was, quite simply, not for me. I found Sarah’s writing style to be good and her life is definitely something. I just don’t love interconnected essays in this format — sometimes I struggled to find the common thread.

The first 50%ish I absolutely loved, I felt like I was reading my own writing from a parallel universe. The millennial vibes may be unmatched.
A strong self-help vibe in a memoir typically aggravates me—but knowing Sarah earned a PhD in behavioral science, my anticipation of misguidance subsided. & I love annotating ARCs, so I kept track of the bonus terms & facts she dropped for us—so cool!!!

Thennnn came some iffy moments. Some advice that has recently been proven toxic, some opinions framed as fact—a slippery slope when her education is part of the foundation built here.
This is a memoir though, so Sarah has the right to say what she wants.

Thennnnn came commentary on balance & self care. Apparently, "treat yourself" is an excuse to be a glutton? And to justify eating the aforementioned "treat", you should be exercising more the next day... Yeah, no. I can't cosign that. I've been actively working to undo that exact thinking—one may even say, that <i>behavior</i>.

Again, had this not built such a foundation on Sarah's education in behavioral science, I'd be much more willing to let these things slide. I'd be interested in reading more from Sarah, this piece just wasn't for me—the pros weren't enough to outweigh the cons.

Sarah was kind enough to personally gift me a copy, along w other goodies. I'm sooo grateful & feel bad these ended up being my thoughts. Thank you bunches to Sarah, Life to Paper & NetGalley for both the DRC & physical ARC.

Two main points intrigued me in picking up this book:
1. The writer's honest exploration of her choices before mid-life arrives.
2. Her background in behavioural sciences.

And the above two I liked the most in the book in the end.
The writing is conversational. This was appealing, as it is a memoir.
More like short essays that link.
Essays combined with personal stories by the author.
I like the personal aspect of the book too.
I hope Watters writes more and thematic non-fiction books on behaviours, choices, decisions, mid-life by her would be very interesting to read.

Any self-help/guide aspect was well-blended into the narrative.

3.5 stars

Although short, the series of essays in chapter form really hit home for me as someone who was once so ambitious and is now waking up, post-covid, and wondering, "What happened?" As a recovering perfectionist and planner, this was a necessary read.

How many of us have twists and turns in life that lead us to say “this isn’t how I thought it would be”? I love how Waters uses humor to write about a tough topic.

(3.5/5 ⭐) what a memoir! i really thought that this was gonna be a bore at first because throughout reading the first chapter i was thinking, how does this relate to the blurb or the title??? but then when chapter 2 rolled in i was like "now THIS is what i signed up for". it read like a Substack essay, which was very pleasant and easy to read over the course of a week and i very much resonated with the self-deprecating humor and tone of the author's writing. even as a Gen Z-er, i didnt find the book to be overpoweringly "Millennial" if you get what i mean. with that being said, i did sort of felt like considering this is a memoir, its a very (if i can call this about a person's life) mundane/normal memoir whereby the author is just sort of regurgitating what i know and feel about careers, relationships, family, friends, and life in general. but sprinkled in self-flagellation and ironic Millennial humor. tl;dr, if she has a Substack, you bet your ass im subscribing to it, but as a memoir... idk

This book was quite frankly not for me. The writing was confusing and self-indulgent and the way it jumps around was too hard to follow. It tried to be relatable and simultaneously had an air of “I am special”. It just didn’t hit the mark for me.

DNF @ 28%

I'm going to start this out by saying that this book was just not for me. It all came across as very out of touch, I guess? That's not the best description, but it just felt like the author was both trying to say "you should know that different experiences of life are normal" and kind of "woe is me." Very over-explained in a lot of instances, to the point of making it hard to read, and could've been much shorter in length. That all being said, the points made in this book were good, but were approached in an interesting way.

This book is a sharp, funny, and often deeply personal reflection on navigating adulthood through the lens of behavioral science. The author mixes her professional insights with raw, self-deprecating honesty in a way that feels both clever and comforting. At times, the tone leans a little too heavy on the humor but I personally found it engaging and relatable. That said, the structure could’ve been tighter. The jumps between anecdote and analysis felt disjointed in places, and I sometimes wished for stronger connections between chapters. Still, the commentary on self-sabotage, comparison, and inner narratives hit hard in all the right ways. It’s a voicey, vulnerable read that will especially speak to women feeling stuck or unsure in their 30s (though I think it holds value beyond that demographic too).

I didn’t plan to find myself in my late 30s as a woman in recovery, unmarried, with a dog for a daughter, my little brother crashing in the next room, and still regularly spiraling over what I’m “supposed” to be doing with my life. But here I am—and reading "This Is Not How I Thought It Would Be" felt like someone finally turned on a light in the room I’ve been sitting in alone.

Sarah doesn’t just name the messy, quiet truths so many of us carry—she invites a conversation around them. This book is thoughtful, funny, smart as hell, and so needed. It doesn’t try to fix anything. It just meets you where you are. And sometimes, that’s everything.

Honestly, if I could give this book eight stars, I would. It's so full of absolute, relatable truths and perfectly voiced sentiments that for most of us, float around our heads as not-fully-formed thoughts, worries---niggles, even!---of discontent that we never get around to unpacking. Now we don't have to, because Sarah has done the hard work for us. While I am much older than she (and her target audience) is, I am still riddled with the kind of doubts and self-inflicted mapping of my own story that Sarah describes perfectly. And now I know---not only *why* my story has never quite added up to the expectations I had when I conceived it, but also, more importantly, how to change it. Her hilarious voice is a great accompaniment to the actual science of using our brains to to alter our thoughts, to change our patterns, to rewrite our story, and to change the ending to one that serves us. Absolutely brilliant read. Thank you, Sarah!