I was judge, defendant, victim, star witness, and court reporter.

Depending on who you talk to, this is a totally true accounting of Year One of Dad’s retirement, which hit him like the end of the world. His response? Lie down and play dead.

Meanwhile, Mom (Geraldine) showed up to the apocalypse armed to the teeth with moves and countermoves to resuscitate him. It was like backseat driving became a blood sport.

They were both fighting for their lives – the rest of their lives – and it came down to who my dad decided to be and how many game shows, subway adventures, sacred missions, and purse chases my mom would throw at him to get him there.

What follows is a series of disasters as told by three people who cannot agree on a single memory.

May the best storyteller win.