You know sometimes it's just so obvious when an author puts their literal heart and soul into a book. Don't get me wrong I know almost every author's pours their love into their works, but this book truly feels like Dylan is entrusting the reader with literal piece of his very heart and being. Which given the fact this story is based of his life and experiences, that is exactly the feeling I was hoping to have reading this.

This book sucks you into Dylan’s world quick. Experiencing the world of young adult who is entering into a massive transitional phase of his life, trying to see and hoping that he can find his place in the world and community he’s not entirely sure he belongs. You feel the impact of his highs just as much as you feel his lows. It’s heartbreaking in some ways; like you just want to wrap this kid up in a tight hug and let him know it’s going to be okay. But in other ways there is a-lot of joy in his life and the connections he’s forming in spite of it all. Not to mention lots of humor to balance out the book and its heavier themes. I found myself laughing more than I expected.

This isn’t a romance (for now); Dylan is struggling with his feelings and emotions — yes, and there is definitely something brewing which I will likely get explored in future books; but at its core this is a book about friendship and identity. Dylan’s friendship with Lucas and Noah is the focus and it’s very healing in a way. You care about all these boys and what happens to them. By the time I wrapped up reading this; I was left me feeling a little bittersweet. We know that Dylan ultimately is going be okay, but we also know he has a long road ahead of him still. But I’m excited to see where it takes him. There is a scene towards the end where Dylan is saying goodbye to another character and in his mind he is wishing he would've taken the time to know them more. And it's very synonymous with what you feel as a reader. Because you come to the realization that you're likely ever going to see some of these characters again or know what happens to them. But such is life, right? But by the time I got the the last page I was feeling a bit bittersweet. We know that Dylan ultimately is going be okay, but we also know he has a long road ahead of him still. Nonetheless, I'm excited to see where it takes him.

Picture in your mind a gay man. Do you have a clear image in your head?

Is it a young Mormon missionary from Vermont, knocking on your door in his crisp white collared shirt and a badge with his title "Elder Gray"?

I have so much to say about this book. And first, would like to thank the author for his bravery in being so candid and vulnerable. Thank you NetGalley for the access to this story as well.

Elder Gray (Dylan) is our reminder that being LGBTQIA+ doesn't have have an outfit, an accent, a race, or even a religion. We exist and are valid, whether we are seen or not.

I would and will recommend this book to anyone who is deconstructing. In this book we see the absolute beat down of religion on an emerging adult's humanity. The well-built trap religion really is. The sense of belonging, the brotherhood, the ability to thrive in one setting and one lifestyle only. The hatred and the abuse on children that is normalized and legal. An inner child asking if god and their community truly prefers them dead. We are talking extremely heavy themes being expressed lightheartedly and innocently through the main character and his fellow missionaries.

Personally I am not exMo, but relate to exiting a prominent religion that is basically America's Values™ anyway so the extremism is widely accepted. This book references the Mormon beliefs that cycle through Elder Gray's head so I was able to access and read some of these documents at the end of the chapters. Not strangely enough, most of them just refer to American values. I was more curious than I even knew regarding the doctrine, or things like what a "celestial room" is.
My heart goes out to the author who somehow made it through, and reading this story I don't know how. If you read this story and relate to it I commend your bravery and want to say you are perfect the way you are.
I just finished reading so I'll be back to edit after I have processed a bit! But WOW. Elder Gray's story meant so much to me and I will be buying a copy, along with every book in this series. I loved seeing the behind the scenes of the MTC, but more than that, the behind the scenes of human being who they tried to empty out and fill with a doctrine, an agenda.

(And my apologies because I did blow up the Pagebound forum on this book haha.)