Wish We Knew What to Say

I’ve read a few books on racism in the last 12 months or so, and while this covers some of the same ground as the others, it also has a fresh angle which is worthwhile and timely. The book discusses how the subjects of race and racism should be addressed by parents, with sections dedicated to four separate age ranges from 0 to 3, to 10 to 12.
The first third or so talks about the topic more generally, providing a useful and quite digestible summary that overlaps with books like Akala’s ‘Natives’ and ‘How to be an Antiracist’ by Ibram X Kendi. The rest of the book covers the parenting angle, with useful discussion, checklists and reading suggestions. Dr Agarwal is a mother herself, and ties a lot of her thinking back to her own experiences, as well as those of parents at seminars she has run.
The result is a very readable, book on a difficult subject, that contains some clear action items. It certainly made me think about how I’ve handled the subject with my son.

I read Dr Agarwal's eye-opening book 'Sway' earlier in the year, and its content is something that I still think about frequently. So when I heard she had a book coming out about how to talk to children about racism, I jumped at the chance to read it.

First of all let me say that I am not a parent. However, they say it takes a village to raise a child. I have children I'm very close to and it's a privilege to be a part of their lives. I want to make sure that I play a positive role in their upbringing and, to be honest, when it comes to racism, prejudice, and white privilege, I felt I needed some guidance. Wish We Knew What To Say tuned out to be exactly what I needed.

So, this isn't just a book for parents, it's for grandparents, family, friends, teachers; anyone who plays a role in a child's upbringing would benefit from this book. There is something in this book for everyone.

Dr Agarwal begins by looking at racism, definitions and explanations that provide the reader with a good solid base to work from. This part of the book in itself should be essential reading for all.

She then splits down the book into different age groups; breaking down how a caregiver can approach discussion and create awareness with all ages. She gives example questions you might encounter, and thorough detail on how to answer them. She also provides the reader with suggestions for work one could do with their child, and guidance for when the open discussion gets particularly challenging.

Dr Agarwal herself moved to the UK from India 20 years ago. She has raised an adult daughter, and has 4 year old mixed-race twins whom she is raising in a largely white community. So not only is she sharing her professional advice as a behavioural and data scientist, but also her personal experience as as mother. The combination of these factors make this book the invaluable resource it is.

Easy to read, with examples as well as resources, Wish We Knew What To Say is a book that I think all caregivers should read. It helped me continue my own personal work on my white privilege, as well as deepening my understanding so that I can play my part in helping to raise the next generation.

Wish We Knew What To Say by Dr Pragya Agarwal is an extremely important book on how to talk to children about racism.

Although primarily aimed at parents and teachers, this book would be valuable to anyone who wants to understand how stereotypes and prejudices infiltrate children from an early age and what we can do about it. ⠀

The book begins with an introduction about racism, its importance and implications in today's society, along with definitions and explanations and it almost reads like a manifesto. ⠀

The rest of the book is split into age groups, categorising the different approaches to discussions based on age. Agarwal provides common questions and answers them thoughtfully. Why are people still racist, why are people's skin colours different, why isn't my friend's mum black like he is etc. etc. are just a few of the limitless questions that children have, and all of these, though extremely tricky and sensitive to address, offer the perfect opportunity to provide children with a historical context and give our best to break the vicious cycle of implicit (or explicit) racism happening today.

I found it really interesting to read Agarwal's appeal not to take on the "colour-blind approach", which although well-intentioned will lead to perpetuated internalised racism, as she argues. Rather, she advises openly discussing race and racism as early as possible. She also addresses the different challenges faced by bi-racial children, who feel like they don't belong to neither side, and easily decide to give up on one part of their heritage and only claim the other, especially if they're "white-passing".

Dr Agarwal draws from both her professional experience as a behavioural and data scientist and numerous workshops on race she's carried out as well as her personal experience as a single mother of 3 children who moved to the UK from India 20 years ago.

This is an easily readable book, full of resources (checklists and reading lists abundant) that offers a critically important guide to tackling the sensitive issue of racism, nipping it in the bud, so to speak. Out on Oct 29th.⠀

Big thanks to Little Brown Publishing, Dialogue Books and NetGalley for my copy.

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