The Calm & Connected Parent
An Attachment-First Guide to Raising Resilient Kids in the Age of Screens and AI
by Todd Sarner, MFT
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Pub Date 18 Nov 2025 | Archive Date 30 Apr 2026
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Description
Parenting has never been easy. Raising a child who can truly thrive-who develops genuine resilience, creativity, and wisdom-has always required intention, patience, and skill. But today's parents face an additional layer of complexity as technology amplifies every challenge, from attention struggles to peer pressure to the simple art of family connection.
Todd Sarner, drawing from over two decades of clinical experience and mentorship with attachment pioneer Dr. Gordon Neufeld, cuts through the noise with a powerful truth: your child doesn't need perfect parents-they need to feel genuinely connected to you in the moments that matter most. This isn't as simple as spending more time together; it's about creating the right culture and understanding that deep connection takes intentional cultivation over time.
The Big Idea: Most parenting advice fails because it treats symptoms instead of strengthening the foundation. True discipline grows from secure attachment, not compliance tactics.
Sarner shows how secure attachment naturally develops three essential capacities-emergence (creativity), adaptation (resilience), and integration (wisdom). You can't force these; you build the foundation through daily moments where your child learns they can count on you.
The book's three main pillars transform daily family life:
Connection First: Learn to make genuine contact before giving directions. Discover why some children need to feel uniquely special while others crave physical closeness, and how to fill their specific attachment needs before behavior problems arise.
Calm Leadership: Master benevolent leadership that's firm and warm simultaneously. Create predictable rhythms and consequences that teach rather than punish, while managing your own nervous system so your child can borrow your calm.
Repair Without Shame: Transform inevitable ruptures into opportunities for deeper connection. Learn the five-step path from guilt to growth that models accountability without destroying self-worth.
Whether addressing screen battles, sibling rivalry, or co-parenting conflicts, Sarner always returns to the central truth: when children feel genuinely connected to their parents, natural maturation can unfold. This isn't another behavior management system-it's a blueprint for raising humans who can think, feel, and choose well.
Advance Praise
"From the very first page, you'll feel like a wise, warm friend is walking alongside you. This book makes attachment theory beautifully relatable and practical—moving it into loving steps that come from the heart. It leaves you with the empowering feeling: 'I can do this!'"
- Kim John Payne M.ED., Author of Simplicity Parenting, The Soul of Discipline, and Being At Your Best When Your Kids Are At Their Worst
"Todd is one of the most intuitive, instructive and down to earth practitioners I know. His work gets rave reviews. Most importantly, he leaves parents with reassurance and direction. The toughest part about educating parents is making sure that they leave with practical, enforceable and realistic solutions for their particular family. Todd delivers in spades."
- Madeline Levine, Ph.D., Teach Your Children Well, The Price of Privilege
"Todd brings a sensitivity and compassion to his profession together with a strong understanding of how to help parents with their children. I have enjoyed the opportunity to work closely with him and have been impressed by his perceptiveness and effectiveness in presenting and in parent consulting. Parents and teachers can be assured they are in good hands with Todd."
- Gordon Neufeld, Phd. Author of Hold On to Your Kids
Available Editions
| EDITION | Mass Market Paperback |
| ISBN | 9798993200903 |
| PRICE | US$16.95 (USD) |
| PAGES | 227 |
Links
Available on NetGalley
Average rating from 7 members
Featured Reviews
Carolyn C, Librarian
I was immediately drawn in to this book, especially by the knowledge and expertise of the author. The only disappointing thing was that I couldn't find it on Goodreads. Parents need a coach and a cheerleader, and the author more than delivers in this quality book. I appreciated the vignettes of real families that have been through challenges and am interested in finding ways to not only resolve conflict but to heal the underlying problem. This book provides guidance and support in this journey that parents are part of.
I highly recommend this book for therapists and libraries.
This is an insightful, attachment-focused guide that prioritizes building resilient kids over quick-fix compliance tactics. Drawing on his experience with Dr. Gordon Neufeld, Sarner provides a compassionate, three-phase framework for strengthening the parent-child bond.
The actionable, evidence-based strategies for navigation are a major strength, though the deep dive into attachment theory can be dense for a casual reader. Despite the learning curve, the book offers a valuable blueprint for lasting, positive change in family life. It challenges parents to be steady, attuned leaders, and for that, it is a highly worthwhile read.
Reviewer 1761853
Released on November 18th, and wow this one was inspiring
If you’re a parent who’s trying to juggle big feelings (you or kids), longing for more presence, or wanting practical strategies that actually fit real life, this is a must-read.
What I loved most: it doesn’t pretend parenting is perfect or peaceful all the time. This books gives you tools to slow down, regulate, and respond. You become the parent you want to be and there will still be trying or challenging days
It’s gentle, relatable stating good points that stick with you long after you finish the book.
Reviewer 1555565
As a therapist, I’ve taught parenting classes, and I’ve run a support group for parents. I’ve read many parenting books over the years. I can honestly say, this is one of best books on parenting I’ve read. I say this because the question that came up for me as I read this book was how would someone describe the relationship with a parent who followed the advice in this book? The answer that came up over and over again was a close relationship with an abundance of love, respect, genuine warmth and connection. Isn’t that what we all ultimately want as parents? The problem is how to do it, and that is exactly the skills this book teaches.
I particularly appreciated all the real life examples in this book of very common problems parents face in their day to day lives. I also really liked the tone of this book. The author’s advice feels kind to both child and parent, encouraging, and very doable.
This book is full of wisdom for anyone who has dreamed of creating a truly happy home with healthy and thriving relationships with their children. I wholeheartedly recommend this to parents, anyone thinking about becoming a parent, and to therapists to give to their clients as an adjunct to therapy.
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