What Have I Done?

A moving tale of post partem pychosis. A memoir that should be read by all new mums. Mourning the death of me is a line that spoke so much to me as did many parts of this book.

Thank you to the publishers on netgalley for approving my reading of this. This is a book that has been on my agenda for a while.

2 fun facts 1. Laura went to my daughters school to visit and she still remembers her colourful hair years on 2. That daughters early days were similar to jets. Yes i had post natal depression. I still have lot of mental health conditions.

One day i will share my story but back to this one.

This is bold,brave and beautiful. This is the honesty you need whether you have had kids or not. Its important as humans to know we are not alone in our suffering. Its ok to not be ok.

This book captures such a personal time that clearly was painful but Laura has opened her heart and soul and wrote her story.

Each persons pregnancy,labour ,afterbirth,bonding is different. However when yours doesnt go as smoothly as planned you will guilty. This guilt is so heavy and draining you dont see the light at the end of the tunnel. So books like this are so important.

Keep speaking and writing however inferior it seems to you.

Thank you to laura for sharing her story and i hope this will give hope to many and company to others.

Published 7th May

This is an honest, searing and well-written book from Laura Dockrill, who describes her descent into postpartum psychosis unflinchingly. This is a really important book that all health visitors and professionals should read, and a good reminder for all those going through something traumatic that even something that seems permanent may well not be forever. Well done to Laura and her little family for surviving this and I wish them all the very best.

This is an honest account of Laura's experience of post partum depression/psychosis, and the experience of those trying to support her through this mental health emergency. I read this shortly after watching the documentary Losing It, which also had a segment on a woman's experience of post partum psychosis. It is such an important area of mental health and motherhood that people need to be hearing more about. It isn't an easy read, obviously, as Laura goes through such difficult, mental health struggles after a traumatic birth. I applaud Laura for sharing her own unique experience. (Trigger warning for those sensitive to suicidal thoughts.)

Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for providing a copy of the book in exchange for an honest review.

I’ve needed a few days since finishing this book to gather my thoughts; it has resonated so deeply with me and I want to do it justice.

I first encountered Laura’s experience in the article she wrote for Clemmie Telford’s Mother of All Lists’ blog; her experience of trauma (and the process of identifying it as such) struck me as an area of parenting that needs to be taken notice of.

Often, books are described as “raw”, “honest” or “important”. This book is all of those, but so much more. It gives colour to the blur of new motherhood and explores the darkness and isolation of Post Natal Depression and Post Partum Psychosis. It includes insight from those around her and how these particular illnesses affected them as individuals and in their relationships. This book is unlike any other about motherhood, parenting, mental health or antenatal care that I’ve read, and her story needs to be known.

Laura writes with honesty and without regret - instead, her acceptance of what happened (and the understanding of why it might have taken its grip) is strengthening . Her account is brutal at times and there were moments that I connected so deeply with that it brought me to tears. Her writing shows that she completely owns what happened to her, despite her not being responsible for it; I think that is an incredibly important lesson for anyone who has experienced challenges in their own mental health.

This book is so necessary and needs to be read by women, partners, those involved in antenatal and postpartum care and those in a position to shape the future of these areas of healthcare.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publishers for giving me the opportunity to review this ARC. Bigger thanks to the author for sharing her story, the impact on her family and their recovery from it.

A huge thank you to Laura Dockrill, Square Peg Publishers and Netgalley for letting me read and review this book. There are certain books I read that are special and I know I will read again and again, this is one of them.

The first thing that I need to say about this book is that it is SO important!

Every Midwife, Health visitor, GP, Nurse, Consultant and anyone else working in the medical profession (and just anyone else in general) needs to read this book! Post Partum Psychosis, Post Natal Depression and mental health generally are serious issues which are not talked about openly and honestly enough. The fact is that unless people know and are able to talk about it many new mums will continue to struggle, and by writing this book Laura is making such a huge difference and I believe her story will save lives.

Laura writes with such honesty and insight about her experience, I felt like I was alongside her experiencing every single emotion with her. I felt so sad that she was living with the chaos inside her head, (I mean that in the nicest way possible!) I found myself wishing for her recovery with every ounce of my being and celebrating when she came out the other side!!

I was aware of Post Partum Psychosis previously but this book has taught me so much, and it is imperative that we know the signs and encourage people to get help quickly. Although not comparable with what Laura went through, I myself have anxiety and was diagnosed with PTSD about 2 years ago. Some of the feelings Laura described totally resonated with me and in fact made me feel more ‘normal.’ Sometimes that is all you need.

The ‘A – Z of self- care’ at the end of the book is so helpful and informative. I have already taken some of these tips on board by trying to change the way I deal with my negative thoughts, I have also started listening to some of the podcasts Laura recommends. I would tell people to read this book if only for this section!

I have taken my time writing this review, I have read it over and over and edited bits because I wanted to do the book justice, I can’t stress enough how highly I recommend it!

I read this book in one night.
It's a powerful, at times triggering and important read.
I suffered from PND and PTSD after a traumatic birth nine years ago, and I'll be honest, parts of this book brought it all rushing back. I cried at the part with Jet's BCG and had to put it down for a bit.
But it's such an important book, postpartum mental health needs to be talked about more, having a baby is such a monumental thing to happen to a woman, physically and mentally.
I'm glad I read it and I'm so glad Laura recovered.

Raw and brave and powerful, this memoir of postpartum psychosis is compelling and vivid. The writing is fluid and bold, shining an important light on an often misunderstood condition. Really strong and powerful stuff.

A really powerful and brave book. Dockrill writes frankly and (at times) brutally about her experience. It was tough to read, but, at the same time, I felt so grateful for the honesty and strength in the account.

The subject matter of this book / memoir is not something that would immediately appeal, and for that reason I put off reading it for a while. Alongside that, I've had my own experience of maternal mental health issues, and like so many other parents, it can take months and even years to face the prospect of reliving this.

Laura's story is similar to hundreds and thousands of new mums, but nothing can prepare you for what actually happens. There's nothing in the parenting manuals or on jolly social media posts about the true horror of maternal or post-partum mental health. Which is why is comes as such a massive shock; why you feel that it is just happening to you; and why you feel so much guilt that you feel this way.

Laura's book is honest but so well written that you just want to read more, despite the uncomfortable topic. We need more books like this; ones that say hey, this happens, it's normal and it's life. There's no shame in it, and you can get help and get better.

What Have I Done? shows that mums are not alone in this, and that it's an illness that can be treated and overcome. Well done Laura.

This is a horror story. Unfortunately it is true. Thankfully my days of childbirth and early newborns are over, but I can fully emphasise with Laura’s account of her pregnancy which had gone so well, up until her overdue date. Not only was her son’s birth traumatic, but Laura's sleep deprived state and feelings of being detached and horrified at leaving behind her pre-motherhood self was also distressing and brutal.
This is an area few Mothers feel they can own up to. You have a healthy baby, you are in one piece. Why should you complain? But Laura didn’t complain, knowing she had to live up to the expected ideal. In her head however, the damage was being done. Post-partum psychosis is a rare and debilitating illness. Within days Laura became paranoid, delusional and suicidal.
What helped Laura through this was not just medical intervention, but love and support from her whole family. Laura’s own attitude of acknowledging what was happening and eventually acceptance she need not feel guilty as she’d done nothing wrong. This experience shatters the romanticised expectations of perfect motherhood, and says to parents ‘you are not alone’. It can only help everyone in this position, of being close to others in this situation, and to the health staff who care for patients who suffer, often silently.